08 January 2020

Good Night

While reviewing my tweets posted on this date over the last 12'ish years, this one stood out to me, mainly because I experienced this again on Monday night:

https://twitter.com/science_goddess/status/1104135733

Bouts of insomnia started in my 30s. For a long time, they upset me. I had, up until that point, been a good sleeper...never had any trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. It was very frustrating to not be able to do something that should be so natural and simple. And over the years, I've made my peace with it all. I sleep when I feel ready...and if I'm up at 3 am (like in the tweet above), then I do other things. I make a full breakfast for myself or fold laundry or pay the bills. Obsessing over my failure to be asleep at a particular hour of the day is not helpful. I've also come to realize over the years that there isn't a reason for the insomnia: It just is. So I embrace it on those nights of the year it comes to me and am grateful the rest of the time.

Monday night, I was bone weary at 7:30 and slept until 11'ish...then didn't fall asleep again until 2:30...then up at 5 (I typically get up at 4, so this was "sleeping in") and had full day in the office and errands after work on Tuesday. Sleep should be simple.

Someone once told me that they thought the second day back from a break was harder than the first. I think they might have been right. The first day is full of adrenaline and goes by in a flash. But the realization of the necessary routine weighs heavy on the second day. It's not so special to have the yoke on anymore. (As an aside, I've long said that when someone dies and makes me queen, I will have all three-day weekends be Friday - Sunday. That way it feels like you have two Fridays during the week. Who the hell likes this Monday and then Monday-on Tuesday, business?)

But we're back and moving forward and at some point, sleep will return to me.

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