07 July 2006

Summer Reading

Time for a little levity around here. And just in time for my 500th post! Someone forwarded a list of 25 analogies and metaphors gone awry, supposedly submitted by English teachers across the country. Take that idea with the same large grain of salt that one does with any multi-forwarded e-mail, but enjoy them all the same. I just picked my 10 faves.

  1. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  6. McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  7. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  8. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  9. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  10. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.


Anonymous said...

When I was teaching, my mom sent me this email every few months with the subject, "Have you seen this yet?" They are pretty funny!

Stephen said...

Every analogy will eventually break down like a car (or Windows). If it didn't, it wouldn't be an analogy, it would be the thing that you are talking about.